Of all official American holidays, Columbus Day is the 30 year old at the high school keg party; no one knows why he’s there but most people agree its embarrassing. Columbus discovered America and all the people living there. It’s like taking a road trip and telling your friends you discovered Canada. Columbus is the reason we have the Cleveland Indians, and probably the Red Skins. Most people have forgotten about him, and besides a few rivers and capitals… bye bye.
No one will miss Columbus, they haven’t in a few hundred years, but everyone will miss a good day off. It’s time Columbus Day faded like YK2 – an embarrassing moment we all denied participating in – and we got a new reason to stay at home with a hangover. Anyway, through a recent poll (me and my cat), a list of alternative holidays has been compiled. Congress will decide which holiday is suitable as soon as it can find someone to blame Columbus Day on.
1. Ronald Regan Day. On Ronald Regan Day very rich people will have lavish parties and poor people will be encouraged to wait outside the kitchen door anticipating some delicious “trickle down,” delicacies such as half eaten cheese cake, re-regurgitated foie gras and vomit. In honor of the Gipper himself, all copies of Bedtime for Bonzo will be officially labeled libelous and those found in possession will be sent to North Korea. It’s a lousy holiday, but for some bizarre reason its one congress would actually agree to.
2. Hugh Wood, ex-mayor of Lyman Day. Hugh thought he had mouth cancer once so he went to the doctor. After examining him, the doctor asked Hugh what kind of cigarettes he smoked, and he told him Camel bareasses. “Damn it, Hugh,” the doctor said, “you got to put ‘em out before they burn your lips.” That’s a true story and I figure it’s as good as anything Columbus did. On Hugh Wood day we could all bite the heads off of smoked pheasant heads and suck the brains out - something he also used to do.
3. Rush Limbaugh Day. He’s not dead yet, but Glenn Beck pretty much made him look that way. On Rush Day we can all get fat, take prescription drugs and then convince people to buy gold. It’s a stupid holiday, but if everyone paid 10 minutes of attention to Rush, his ego would re-inflate, expand past its limits and then blow up. Now that would be a holiday.
4. John Holmes Day. The 70’s porn star was egotistic and probably misogynistic, but he was hung like a donkey on Red Bull. Personally I (and my cat) can’t think of anything better to celebrate than that.
Well, that’s pretty much all that’s left. If you have any better ideas, I doubt it, anonymously contribute a zillion dollars to Newt Gingrich’s campaign for world domination of him and his friends regurgitated foie gras and he’ll get things straightened out. Bye bye.
by Nathan Lindberg
