Airports the new bus stations

by Nathan Lindberg
I have distinct memories of going with my parents to the airport to see my sister off. I clearly remember walking down some long hall and to the gate, then watching her actually get on the plane. I remember it clearly because I was thirsty and Cokes in the vending machine were one dollar! It was a third of minimum wage! Anyway, I was too young to be high on acid, and my mom actually confirmed my memory. It really happened. We really went all the way to the gate and stood watching the airplane leave.

Back then it was a treat to go to the airport, like visiting new baseball stadium in April. It was just cool to be there. I can’t even remember going through customs. I think it was some guy nodding to you. And on the plane you actually got food, your choice brown or gray, but there was always a decent chance you would have a seat empty next to you, even a whole row you could lie down on.

I say this now so you young people will realize there once was a day when airports were rather actually rather friendly, not some place where you stand barefoot trying to explain why your wife’s yeast infection medication tube is 5 ounces. There was a time when we actually walked to the gate – yes the gate, where the planes took off. And you could wave goodbye and see the plane leave. It felt a lot more sentimental than watching your love one get moved to the body cavity search line for having beef jerky and then give you a sheepish wave as the customs officer puts on rubber gloves.

Airports are the new bus stations. Sweaty, tired travelers intent on saving $100 by transferring three times to get from L.A. to Seattle. Airline employees who make you feel exactly like a number because that’s what they feel like. Planes jammed full of people who are offered a cup of water, a napkin and a shopping catalogue. Forget animal rights. Airports make me want to start mooing.

Of course you could go first class. A ticket from New York to Tokyo starts at $8,000, or $22,000 for real first class and not some petty budget first class. The same flight starts at $1,700 for economy, probably less if I check Travelocity every 10 minutes. Hmmm, I’m a teacher. I make enough money a year to almost buy a really high class ticket to Tokyo. What am I going to do? Obviously not go to Tokyo.

Economy class. What a spin. It might have fooled price conscious grocery shoppers in the 1970’s, but we all know it now it means “cheap.” And if you are cheap, you have no rights. You deserve to be stuck in a chair that every year gets an inch smaller until now the only way to sit next to an adult is to cross your legs, clutch yourself and pray you don’t need to breathe. You are poor and you will be treated as such. The waitresses, sorry stewardesses, sorry, sorry, flight attendants, hate you as much as their jobs. At least waitresses get tipped. They hate you and all you want to do is get drunk, but beer is $8 a can and if you drink one you might have to go to the bathroom and 78 people using one bathroom guarantees a line up for certain smells if not fluids sloshing around in a closet.

Air travel is our modern form of torture. It starts out by being degraded at customs, removing clothing, exposing all your personal items, then going off to the special room because you did not pack your douche medicine in a clear plastic bag. Then it turns to blatant cheating as you pass customs and get into the “duty free” zone where food is priced to compete with Yankee Stadium. Further humiliation is guaranteed sitting in uncomfortable airport chairs waiting for three hours because that’s how long you have to arrive at the airport or you might get bumped. Or maybe you get bumped anyway because airlines always oversell seats to insure someone will get bumped –sort of like the unlucky lottery – but don’t worry, they’ll give you a coupon good for $100 off your next trip on a weekday, before 7:30 a.m. or after 3:33 p.m., January through March - holidays and North America excluded.

But we all understand. After all, airlines have it tough. Three years ago gas was really expensive. And congress is doing terrible things to them, like making them take people back to the airport terminal if people get stuck on a plane for more than three hours on the runway. How can airlines make profits with restrictions like that! Besides, the economy, tarp, incumbents, fat cat Wall Street derivatives, and the terrorists. Obviously they have to charge more! Just look around the airport at the hordes of red-eyed prisoners, sorry passengers. Can’t you see business is terrible? Airlines have been forced to cut down on flights until even the baby bassinettes are sold out.

And then there’s terrorist. For some reason they can’t target a freeway, bridge or refinery. They have to get into airports. Maybe they’re trying to use that $100 coupon that expires in a week. For them we take off our shoes, buy mini-sized bottles of lubrication to pack into clear plastic bags, and feel nervous and guilty but we’re never sure why. You want to catch terrorists? Make them take any shameful, sorry I mean “economy,” flight and they’ll probably confess at the gate just to get to the comforts of Guantanamo.

Going flying used to be fun. You could tell your friends you were going on a plane and they’d be envious, like you found an iPad in a bar last year. But today when you tell people you are going to the airport they shake their heads and offer you their leftover Vicodin.

I’ve heard it will get worse. As fuel gets more expensive three years ago, airlines will have to make many more sacrifices, mostly ours. Soon we will strip completely naked and pay by the pound to have sleep-depraved inmates shove us into planes with cattle prods, offering $100 coupons to anyone who suffocates or loses their ability to walk. But we understand times are tough, and then there’s, you know, terrorist, of course. Bon Voyage.
by Nathan Lindberg