Tireless Hours Researching Porn

by Nathan Lindberg
Never before have so many of a single generation viewed so much… porn. According to my own studies (making stuff up), 98 percent of adolescent boys viewed graphic sexual pictures within the first five minutes of being left alone with a computer. The other two percent looked up the term tea bagger on Urbandictionary.com first. Results for girls in their early teens and younger, were slightly different. It took them a total of two hours before they “accidently” stumbled across explicit sexual images while searching for Miley Cyrus. A very small percentage of children forced to listen to classical music at an early age and only given wooden educational toys for Christmas, took an excess of three hours before viewing pornographic images, after clicking toys.

Ahh, I remember back in the day, wondering around the golf course looking in the ditches for golf balls when suddenly one of my friends would shout out in alarm that he had found a – a Playboy! With shaking hands, my friends and I would huddle in a circle, while the lucky discoverer skimmed through 200 pages of articles on the latest cassette players to the apogee - the centerfold - and there she was… a blonde woman, well endowed, standing askew and so you could almost, just barely, if you held the photo a few inches from you sweaty face, see her… pubic hair!

Now kids see more on a downtown billboard or a text message. In fact my own studies (guessing) have revealed that the average 13 year old has seen more pictures of naked people than my father, grandfather and the entire membership of the Masonic Lodge 464 all put together. And this viewing took place within 37 minutes of being left alone with a high speed Internet connection while Mom cleaned the bathroom.

Technology advances have insured that viewing pornography will become far easier for children in the future. 5G phones allow children to down load porn constantly and never get caught trying desperately to close a series of pop-up windows while at the same time covering their groin with a box of tissue as Mom and Dad just walk into the living room without knocking when they should have been at that stupid party until after midnight. If only Dad hadn’t sworn of drinking.

My studies (fabricating) conclude that there is a high probability (probably all) children will be exposed to Japanese water sport cosplay pictures long before their parents thought they had given up playing with Transformers. No longer are children exposed just to the possibility of viewing pubic hair in a rotting magazine found by a golf course, but they are sure to see a surgeon’s view of every bodily crevice being probed by every membrane - animal, vegetable, and mineral.

It is far too late for the local PTA’s to condemn the Internet and vote to abolish it. The times are not ah chang’n. They changed. The beans have been spilled and there’s no getting that pussy – sorry, cat – back in the bag. We have to all face the fact that our children inevitably will see pictures of naked people having sex. It’s now time to ask how much this will mess them up.

My research (this blog) has proven that the number one result of seeing graphic porn will be disappointment. From movies of people moaning and groaning in a crescendo of ecstasy, to the back of your dad’s Prius, trying to hide the pimple on your shoulder that you just popped and it keeps bleeding all over the place, teenagers experiencing their first physical contact will wonder what went wrong? Then there are misguided young men who will approach girls with lines like “Wanna trio, babe?” and be dumbfounded when the girl does not blindly obey, or even worse when she says yes and they end up naked with some guy named Turbo.

Beyond disappointment, many young boys will end up reclusive, locked inside a dark bedroom that smells of fish, filling garbage cans full of tissue. But video games have pretty much ensured that will happen anyway. Ultimately we can add porn to drugs, obesity, lethargy, apathy, and other pitfalls that kids fall in and we just hope we taught them enough that they will have the good sense to get out of, or at least take their Prozac. Other than that, the damage has already been done, and that old Playboy collection you have? It’s safe now to throw it all in the ditch. No one will bother to pick it up.
by Nathan Lindberg